When couples walk into my office, they cite various reasons for the breakdown of their marriage—infidelity, financial struggles, or irreconcilable differences. However, at the core of almost every divorce case lies what I believe to be one fundamental issue: communication failure.
The Communication Breakdown
Poor communication seeps into every aspect of a relationship. Whether it’s disagreements over finances, parenting conflicts, or emotional disconnect, the inability to communicate effectively leads to misunderstandings, resentment, and ultimately, divorce. Divorcing couples are simply no longer on the same page. They stop listening to one another, fail to acknowledge each other’s needs, and operate as individuals rather than as a team.
What Is Active Listening?
A skill that every marriage would benefit from is active listening. You may hear your spouse’s words, but you are not truly listening. Active listening involves more than just waiting for your turn to speak or preparing a rebuttal. Active listening is about genuinely trying to understand your partner’s concerns, emotions, and needs.
Active listening includes:
- Giving your spouse your full attention
- Avoiding interrupting or immediately responding defensively
- Reflecting on what they’ve said and asking clarifying questions
- Seeking compromise rather than focusing on being “right”
When you fail to practice these habits, small disagreements can escalate into major conflicts, leaving you both feeling unheard and unappreciated.
The Role of Communication in Divorce
Couples who struggle with communication often find themselves locked in battles over everything—from parenting decisions to financial management. This lack of effective dialogue creates uncertainty and distress, particularly when you have children. Parents who don’t communicate well can unintentionally place their children in difficult situations, such as signing them up for conflicting activities or failing to coordinate co-parenting schedules.
In high-conflict divorces, the damage extends far beyond the couple. Children caught in the middle will experience anxiety and confusion, which can impact their emotional well-being. However, when parents learn to communicate—even post-divorce—it creates stability for your children and fosters a healthier co-parenting relationship.
The Collaborative Divorce Approach
One effective way to address communication issues during a divorce is through the Collaborative Divorce process. Collaborative Divorce includes a mental health professional (MHP) or communication coach who helps to facilitate conversations between divorcing spouses. The communication coach provides guidance on how to listen, express needs constructively, and compromise—skills that can carry over into post-divorce parenting.
Interestingly, many couples who go through a Collaborative Divorce actually improves their communication skills. They may start the process with little to no ability to communicate effectively but, through guided intervention, they learn how to engage in productive discussions. This is particularly beneficial if you will continue to co-parent after your marriage has ended.
While there are many factors that contribute to the end of a marriage, poor communication remains the #1 reason for divorce. Without open, honest, and respectful dialogue, couples drift apart, leading to irreparable damage. However, by recognizing the importance of active listening and learning to engage in meaningful conversations, couples—whether married or divorced—can improve their relationships and create a more stable environment for themselves and their children.
The Law Offices of Patrick Markey, P.C., are dedicated to the no court divorce options, including Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. We also can help couples set up prenuptial agreements.
Our offices are located at 108 Stetson Avenue, Suite 3500 in Chicago, Illinois. You may call us at 312-223-1764.